I’ve had a number of conversations over the last few weeks about “the diabetic life” and how it will affect future child bearing attempts. I’ve read enough books and stumbled through enough message boards to almost scare me out of it.

One board in particular got so bad that I stopped lurking in it because the ladies were driving me nuts. A majority of the members were GDs. Most of them recently diagnosed at whatever the glucose cut off is and not many of them on insulin. (But their doctors were threatening it.) Many freaked out over the thought of not being able to keep a blood sugar under 120 post meals, finger sticking themselves more than 5 times a day, going on insulin for 12 weeks, and not being able to enjoy anything more than a sensible, planned out diet.

Every time I read that someone wanted to fudge their numbers for their weekly reports to their doctors, I wanted to beat them with my insulin pump. Really? You only have to deal with this for 12 weeks! You will survive and it’s not worth your or your baby’s health to LIE about your blood sugar results. Are people really this irresponsible with their health? Not implying that those “out of control” are irresponsible (because I sure as hell work just as hard to get no results); but if you have the tools available to you, why not work twice as hard at it, especially if it’s temporary? I understand the need for support (that’s why I’m here), but I just don’t understand the need for self-destruction.

Summary of my other conversations:

• My OB was shocked that I even came to see her before we started trying. A diabetic woman who actually wants to have her A1C at a normal range before she conceives? Unheard of.  Really? Come see us again when you are pregnant.
• My CDE who says that I eat right, exercise enough, take initiative to problem solve on my own and recognize patterns on my own. But apparently all of this work I’m doing pre-pregnancy will be null and void once I actually get pregnant. (Because babies change all things.)
• My cousin, who is a new mom, says she can’t imagine trying to worry about trying to conceive AND controlling my blood sugars all the time. Her T1D friend nearly went blind during pregnancy. Her other GD friend had a HUGE child because she failed to keep a diet. But I’ll be okay because I take such great care of myself.

Why is my A1C still at 6.3% and not the medically necessary 5.6%? Why are my kidneys already spilling protein? Why do I have elevated cholesterol? If I am such a Type A personality PWD, why aren’t things better? With all this work, I should have been approved to have 3 kids by now.

The more I chat with others, ranging from family to medical staff, the more I feel like I’m an anomaly. A rare case. One of the few that actually wants to control something that doesn’t want to be controlled, and does so semi-successfully. Even THEN, I’m not seeing postprandial readings under 120. (I’d love it if my fastings were 120 consistently.) I often think this task is impossible. There isn’t any possible way for me to maintain those types of readings for 9+ months.

But I’m too analytical, and stubborn, to just give up without a fight.